It Will Cost you Everything

I’ve always had a call on my life. In the world, out of the world, wandering in the desert or walking on the high places, He was there. I always knew it. I’d given my heart to Him in Mrs. Kowalski’s living room at Vacation Bible School. I loved the stories on the felt board. Wandered around as if I were lost as I grew up. I heard a woman preaching in my 20’s and thought, ‘she knows what I know, but more”! It was the Anointing I’d found. And I left everything and ran after this Anointing.

About that time I had asked the Lord for a miracle mantle ministry.  I was also wanting to be married. He asked me if I’d rather have a husband or that miracle mantle ministry. I struggled with the answer, for I had truly wanted a husband. My heart’s desire was torn between the two. I believe that I said the husband. Two weeks later, I was ready to say the ministry. Did I? I’m not sure now. The Lord instituted marriage; He is not against marriage. This test had to do with the singleness of my heart. For where my treasure was, there would my heart be also.

I believe that I left it there and slowly walked into the desert of religious compromise and watered down Christianity. I did not turn my back on the Lord. I just got caught up with the things of the world. My job became my supply, my insurance took care of healing, and fellowship with friends took presidence over worship and prayer. I lost much in the ensuing years. I lost my anointing (He never left me- I was the one who walked away), and eventually, my health. My mind was damaged from surgical complications. My finances, business, friends and most of my family were gone. He said He would never leave us or forsake us, but the world makes no such promise.  Wandering in the desert. Half in the world. Half out. Not lost. Not found. I have learned that if you're not moving forward, you go backwards.

But God! He came and rescued me. O, my Father, You’ve come! The God who restores what the locust and the cankerworm have eaten. Forgive me and take me back!

Another climb to the high places in Him. I worship You, Lord. I said, I want more of You. I want to hear You, see Your face, feel Your breath on my face when Your whisper. The closer walk. The higher places. The narrow road.  He said, it will cost you everything. Are you willing to give everything? I said, Lord, there’s not much left. It’s mostly gone. Energy, time, money. Friends and family mocking me… He said, everything this time. Yes, Lord. I cannot breathe without You.

One more time around the mountain… Give up my struggle to keep my safe world, my routines, no mess, no messy people, or interruptions to be broken bread and poured out wine. Not on my terms, but His. For it will cost me everything. My comfort zone of the flesh. Am I willing to let it all go? No looking back? Count the cost before you ask this of Me. I whisper, yes, Lord- Your grace is sufficient for me. Help me. Bring me up higher.

For I died with Him. 

Frances J Roberts wrote, "Alone, each man undergoes the death throes of his own shattered ego. Nothing can remain of self-will if My full purpose is to be accomplished in this life. Slowly, unrelentingly, each soul moves to his own Gethsemane of total relinquishment of all his cherished personal hopes and on to his own barren Golgotha".